the ties that bind or the ties that bend? some of my home friends are not doing well. Julie never answers the phone when i call and i would probably have to go back like a year or 2 to find the last time that she did. we hang out once a break, maximum, and today we were supposed to but she backed out at the last moment as expected. she's moved in with her boyfriend who sean thinks is trouble (and if sean thinks you're trouble than that's certainly saying a lot.) I think she's transferring schools. I don't know a single solitary thing about her anymore but we pretend that we still know eachother
speaking of sean, we got lunch the other day and talked about everything that needed to be said re: john mac's death, sean's lost semester and current stability, the high skool gossip that continues on into college. it was great to see him doing well; his insistence on paying for my lunch struck me as awfully considerate. i've taken a particular interest in his welfare because before it was bad. if it hadn't gotten bad would we still talk? can we become regular friends when he's at temple this semester?
somebody else is in an awful dead-end relationship and the only time we talk it's about that. the issues that she is having with him, i have had myself in past relationships so i share my interpretation of them with her (e.g. an ultimatum will kill it, the ostentatious romantic gestures are unsustainable). but hind sight is 20/20 and we have to learn lessons on our own i guess, and I don't really actually know anything, i just think that i do so i don't know if i'm even qualified to advise her. i have a lot of ideas about how i would have handled these issues if they came up in my life now, but i haven't had the opportunity to test this feelings mgmt in a sustained romantic relationship in ages
furthermore, spiritual crisis is in full force and i don't know if my indignation when mom and i talked today was righteous or just misguided. everything that i think about is politicized and everything has moral ramifications and they all start arguments and while it's often exhilarating it is also exhausting. nothing is simple and figuring them out for myself is hard, growing up work which demands doing but keeps me from sleeping easy. I'm too moody at home. I need too much time to myself. Can't I just move in already?
also began looking at grad schools and proceeded to cry at how much fucking work that's gonna be
and finally some goals for 2011 that will probably carry on into 2012 and maybe even 2112:
- spend more time and energy working on the person inside my body than it's corporeal manifestation; subsequently place a greater value on the insides of other people than their outsides too; live and feel from within my skin instead of only observing it
- continue fleshing out spiritual, ethical, and political philosophies that strike me as valid and drive me to do good
- be braver in my interactions; be an agent in my own life; actively pursue the things i want instead of sitting around and hoping that they just happen to me
- weight things in a healthy way; balance between care for self and care for others; a medium that is neither holding on for dear life nor tossing away indiscriminately
