year in review and preview (2)

It's kind of like making a wish list to do this. Last time I wrote them down and a bunch of them came true so that might happen again, so I'll do it.

accomplishments of 2012

- graduated college summa cum laude. on paper that sounds impressive but it didn't feel like it was very hard to be honest

- after much consternation and countless tears and $700 worth of shipping costs I kissed everything I have ever called home goodbye and moved halfway across the country to a place where I didn't know a solitary soul. this was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life but it's in the rearview mirror now so this must mean that I could actually do anything

- managed to carve out a pretty nice and comfortable life for myself in this new place and climate and turned a bunch of strangers into people that I know and trust and care for. More confirmation of the lesson I learned in italy there are people that you can come to love everywhere

- made some grown up habits like cooking meals for myself (not just in the microwave) and making my bed in the morning and doing my laundry weekly instead of when I run out of clean socks

- cultivated a healthier lifestyle only partially created out of near-poverty - started looking at the clock when I run instead of just taking my sweet time. bringing work out clothes in my bag so that it would be silly if I didn't go every day. bike to school everyday uphill both ways and got my sea legs

- convinced 2 classrooms full of 18 year old kids that I am a valid authority and that they should take notes on the things I say

- a million dates, almost all of which I instigated just like a brave person. got pretty good at my first date swag

- after innumerable false starts finally lost that v-card

- found a human being that I like who has become the first person I've called my boyfriend since like 2008. getting to know him and be comfortable with him and growing some real feelings and learning how to accept the fact that I like somebody instead of pretending that I don't care. finding the appropriate sized place for him in my days and weeks that isn't overwhelming or excessive like high school boyfriends. and playful orgasmic sleep overs

- found the courage to renounce catholicism even to my parents. after much guilt and anxiety came to finally believe them when they said that they love me anyway

- foxjuice

goals for 2013

- be proactive about stress so it doesn't knock me out twice a year. accupuncture? massages?

- thesis research - be on schedule to finish by summer 2014 so I can get paid more in 2014 $$$

- do the right amount of reading. find out what that is. more than I did this semester, that's almost certain

- manage time better. one day's worth of my own work per week? tuesdays? or friday mornings?

- more confidence & self-positivity. more courage in social situations. more TX friends

- deepen existing TX friendships. get lunch with somebody once a week

- call home biweekly

- continue balancing well with josh. be vulnerable enough to let it deepen if that's where it goes

- theorize care as philosophy/religion

- keep up with home friends more regularly

- get a tattoo

- run faster. do a 5k for time?

- explore Austin more. not just the same spots I already know

- talk more in fem(me) sem

- more filling lunches and breakfasts

- Gregory pool

- friend visits

- CONCERTS

- try new things

what a very bad date says about me

So I talk the talk but have an awful hard time walking the walk. It's terrifying how much easier it is to just sit around and let somebody shit on you than it is to actually move or take any kind of action against it. My problem's always been that I'm too chill (actually too much of a coward) to do anything except kinda roll with it, which in this instance led to a terrible date and these irrepressible tremors that oscillate from panic to hubris and then back again. I swear, it's a great thing that I can still remember my childhood delusions because deconstructing them helps with my contemporary ones. Today I cut through jackie cooper's backyard and ran past scott's house and remembered the stuff that he used to pull and how I would desperately embrace the drama and joint dreams of my earliest romantic relationship; one time he made me cry in front of his brother and it was humiliating. I wouldn't learn how to wrest control over my life out of some boy's grubby little fingers for at least another five or seven years, or, God-forbid, longer. So when I engage in these sporadic acts of courage and autonomy I never know how to deal with them and make them permanent, instead of a brief departure from my ever-excusing, ever-enduring, "natural" character. If there's anything that I truly excel at, it's grinning and bearing it! So it doesn't make the slightest difference what kind of boy that he is- it seems to become more pronounced as the objective quality of the man in question declines. So it doesn't matter that he is going to be bald in like ten years or less, or that he isn't enrolled in school right now for a mystery reason, or that he tried to charm me with racist jokes and sports trivia, or that he had a kitchen full of flies and dirt, or that he waked 'n baked. It only matters that he was super mean. And although I finally got the courage to belatedly tell him that his james franco grin and sexual prowess weren't going to cut it--the sort of high-calibur feat to which I've aspired all summer!--I'm having to constantly squelch my impulses to just text him something funny. Cutting my losses is a hard one, but that's what I'm working on now. Good thing I can cut and run to Italy in 2 weeks.

but Jenny knows. as always. I have two days of work left this whole summer and I have only the discussion section left on the first draft of my diamond scholars paper. I mean I got a lot done and I had a lot of fun but there's still work to do. as always.