year in review and preview (2)

It's kind of like making a wish list to do this. Last time I wrote them down and a bunch of them came true so that might happen again, so I'll do it.

accomplishments of 2012

- graduated college summa cum laude. on paper that sounds impressive but it didn't feel like it was very hard to be honest

- after much consternation and countless tears and $700 worth of shipping costs I kissed everything I have ever called home goodbye and moved halfway across the country to a place where I didn't know a solitary soul. this was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life but it's in the rearview mirror now so this must mean that I could actually do anything

- managed to carve out a pretty nice and comfortable life for myself in this new place and climate and turned a bunch of strangers into people that I know and trust and care for. More confirmation of the lesson I learned in italy there are people that you can come to love everywhere

- made some grown up habits like cooking meals for myself (not just in the microwave) and making my bed in the morning and doing my laundry weekly instead of when I run out of clean socks

- cultivated a healthier lifestyle only partially created out of near-poverty - started looking at the clock when I run instead of just taking my sweet time. bringing work out clothes in my bag so that it would be silly if I didn't go every day. bike to school everyday uphill both ways and got my sea legs

- convinced 2 classrooms full of 18 year old kids that I am a valid authority and that they should take notes on the things I say

- a million dates, almost all of which I instigated just like a brave person. got pretty good at my first date swag

- after innumerable false starts finally lost that v-card

- found a human being that I like who has become the first person I've called my boyfriend since like 2008. getting to know him and be comfortable with him and growing some real feelings and learning how to accept the fact that I like somebody instead of pretending that I don't care. finding the appropriate sized place for him in my days and weeks that isn't overwhelming or excessive like high school boyfriends. and playful orgasmic sleep overs

- found the courage to renounce catholicism even to my parents. after much guilt and anxiety came to finally believe them when they said that they love me anyway

- foxjuice

goals for 2013

- be proactive about stress so it doesn't knock me out twice a year. accupuncture? massages?

- thesis research - be on schedule to finish by summer 2014 so I can get paid more in 2014 $$$

- do the right amount of reading. find out what that is. more than I did this semester, that's almost certain

- manage time better. one day's worth of my own work per week? tuesdays? or friday mornings?

- more confidence & self-positivity. more courage in social situations. more TX friends

- deepen existing TX friendships. get lunch with somebody once a week

- call home biweekly

- continue balancing well with josh. be vulnerable enough to let it deepen if that's where it goes

- theorize care as philosophy/religion

- keep up with home friends more regularly

- get a tattoo

- run faster. do a 5k for time?

- explore Austin more. not just the same spots I already know

- talk more in fem(me) sem

- more filling lunches and breakfasts

- Gregory pool

- friend visits

- CONCERTS

- try new things

c u l8r

4 days left on the east coast before i move away from every single person that i know - good thing i wasted so much time in the previous months thinking about & dwelling on & crying over byes that i'm only doing now. thursday was ben and i had mysterious and psychosomatic maladies that prevented me from being fearless & genuine about it even though we had spent a nice day together and tonight was my dad who kept it concise so we could separate and be alone and unselfconscious in our individual grieving, even though charlie mistook me for the birthday girl at dinner because my parents were making such a big deal about me. this morning i got to do 9 more of my best friends from college- though i may see a few in the coming days- and the creeping fissure kept me mopey and reticent for a lot of the last opportunity i'd have to see them in a really long time, so instead of dancing and drinking i walked on the beach in the dark and listened to small talk and quietly took on the weight of the goodbyes. i have 24 hours or less before  the next round and in between i have packing and preparing to do. i was mostly worried about the possessions that i'll have to ship & pay for by the pound but the weight of these goodbyes is heavier

an epistemological note

Just got home from some beers with a radical PhD student friend of mine and honestly it was a really helpful talk. Lately I've struggled with relating to my parents as I learn and change my views and the relationship with them has taken on a vague fictional antagonism in my head. The deconstruction of this feeling & the realization that it's manufactured is important; realizing that the stakes aren't so high (i.e., no one will disown me because of my religion/politics) helps too! Generally I've been thinking lately about my the perpetual state of righteous indignation against geopolitical and philosophical problems isn't an effective or healthy way of being. The humility to apply an ethically-neutral standpoint theory to the way other people feel and behave is helpful too. I'm finding the answers to the big questions for my own life, but these are grounded in my own life and experience. I would never claim to believe in objective truth, so it's arrogant to try to apply my own conclusions to the different experiences of other people. I won't stop pushing for political goals (I never could!) but must push differently. Not "hey, I have the answer and I'm super pissed that other people don't have this super smart and objectively correct answer that I've come to, and instead choose to live in ignorance and intellectual indolence," but rather respect for the experience and standpoint that bring people to draw the conclusions that they have drawn, and engaging them at their own level in a non-aggressive way. The encounter between two people and the co-construction of a mutually-agreeable conclusion is more valuable than me haranguing and trying to convince them of my way, because my bounded and limited experience - although compelling and moving to me - is valid for me and me alone. Humility in interaction and the objective to negotiate truth rather than pushing my own agenda would do me well politically, professionally, and personally.